To Be of Use

2003-02-08T15:38:00.000-06:00

Go here.

Thanks.

2003-02-04T21:47:00.000-06:00

I'm still working on the new domain. I'm toying with the idea of Movable Type but as much as it excites me it terrifies me.

I've become very technically unsavvy the last few years. Where I was once ahead of the game I am now so far behind it seems like I'm playing Hi-Ho Cherry-O in a world of Sink My Battleship.

---

Last night I spent a few hours sitting in Alex and Liz's garage. After they put the baby to bed we went out there to have a few drinks and they have a few smokes. We told jokes and gossiped and then the talk turned a bit dirty.

Me: I thought of you guys today. One of the scenes in class this morning involved a cop and a drunk driver--complete with handcuffs. I almost offered them an A if my friends could borrow their props for a few nights.
Liz: We have our own pair.
Alex: Yeah.
Me: Oh. Uh. Was joking. But uh. Okay. Heh. Uh. Yeah.
Liz: Yeah, we've got a lot of things.
Me: Yeah?
Alex: Not that we use them anymore. They're all pre-baby.
Liz: My favorite thing. We've go these cubes. These doodie cubes--
Me: Cubes?
Liz: Yeah, they're doodie cubes.
(silence)
Alex: Duty. Duty with a t. D-u-t-y.
Me: Oh thank God.
Liz: What did you think I was saying?
Alex: She thought we were really dirty.

Come to find out they have this pair of dice. One die has verbs on it like lick, suck, kiss, bite while the other one has nouns like...well, like body parts. Naughty dice might have been a better name.

I will always prefer duty cubes to doodie cubes.

---

I want to write more. About a zillion things. But I'm zapped. Zapped and I still have some papers to grade and a lesson to plan for in the morning.

We're starting on voice.

How exciting for them.

2003-01-31T09:41:00.000-06:00

I was cast! Can you believe it? I haven't been IN a show in like a year and a half. Hell, it's been a year since I even worked on a show. It's an original script; this excites me! I think it will be a great learning experience to be the actor this time instead of the playwright. It will help me be a better playwright--I truly believe.

So yeah, so much for not wanting to be cast. Heh. After the audition the desire started seeping in. When I found out I was called back I nearly choked. So. No retreat. I'm disappointed about that and feel a sufficient amount of Catholic-guilt, but I still believe things happen they way they need to. I went into this situation open to do either. Being open is healthy, I'm learning.

The monologue? You want to know what monologue I did. I did a piece from Pamie's Anne Heche script, Call Us Crazy. Yeah, I did the conversation with God. No sock puppet, but I did most of it on all fours.

---

I enjoy teaching.

This doesn't surprise me. I mean, I've always wanted to teach. And you usually enjoy doing what you want to do. But I thought I would have at least a few semesters of being disgruntled about it. I thought I would be unsure and probably pretty boring. I thought I might have hard time being authoritative and interesting at the same time.

No.

I have a handle on it. I like it. I look forward to it, even. I've never looked forward to an 8am class. (No, that's a lie. My Dr. Weg-hot-ner usually taught at 8am.) I've never looked forward to an 8am the way I look forward to this.

And...this morning I heard the most beautiful words. "I love coming to this class." And they didn't come from me!

My semester has been made.

---

In other news, I've gotten a new domain. I will be moving in there shortly. I have a lot of virtual packing and renovating to do first.

And no, neither jackie.anything or estrogen.anything were available.

I'll keep ya posted.

2003-01-27T14:04:00.000-06:00

I'm sick. A-freaking-gain.

I've managed to end up with this sore throat turns into flu thing about once every six weeks since I've been here.

I taught class this morning and then came home and went to bed. I'm up now to eat a little, but shall return to the mattresses promptly. Sleep and orange juice seem to be the best way to beat it.

And I have a monoluge to learn--auditions tomorrow night. I don't really want a part, so I'm not nervous (and being sick will be on my side) but I don't want to suck, either. I want to do a good job and just be turned down. I've never wanted that before. But, I've been asked to give a speech on "Renewal" at a retreat that is the same weekend as tech rehearsals for the show. I think I need to do that. (If I hadn't explained before, as a TA I'm required to audition for everything.)

I'm loving the new monitor. Yes, indeed. My eyes went "aaaaahhh relief."

There's also going to be some changes around here. There are always changes around here, aren't there? But I've discovered that both jackie.org and estrogen.org are (at least for now) available. So, I'm going to snag one of them (but which?) and head back to a real site. Blogging doesn't jive with me the way I want it to. (And my archives are all screwed up now.)

I'll keep you posted on all that, of course.

2003-01-24T14:41:00.000-06:00

2:32pm

I broke down and bought a new monitor. I can't explain the one that I have. I tried to take a picture of it, but that didn't convey what I wanted it to.

It's, I think, a 12" monitor. It's old. Way old. Packard Bell, to boot. And over the years the screen has kind of shrunk in about an inch on either side. No controls to let you widen it, either. I don't know how my brother lived with it as long as he did. I haven't even been on it a month. And you can't push it up higher than 800X600 and even at that it's tiny and near impossible to read. But, of course, some programs won't open unless you are at least at 800X600.

So, I went down to Office Depot and layed down $120 on a new one and there's a $40 MIR to send in. This is what I got. I haven't set it up yet.

I am having to play parent to myself. I can't hook it up until I finish my to do list. All that's left, though, is hanging up a picture and washing the dishes.

---

You wanna see how pretty Lubbock is? You do, don't you? I thought so.

2003-01-24T12:12:00.000-06:00

12:08am

I don't mean for this to be hourly. It's just happening that way.

See this cat:

I love this cat. She doesn't pee on everything when the litterbox isn't clean to her perfect liking.

I'm going to go clean some things up now.

2003-01-24T11:07:00.000-06:00

11:05am

I didn't go to the movie yet, but I did find...

More reason to buy Lush powders. I checked and none of the Lush powders have talc.

I've always been a sprinklin the powder on the panties kind of gal. That's over until the Lush order comes in.

Now, no panic, of course. But why ask for trouble?

2003-01-24T10:07:00.000-06:00

10:05am
Today is what Noise calls a "cheese sandwich" entry. She's doing the same thing (me=copy cat) so go keep up with her, too.

---

Where's my mouth?

There it is! But my nose is gone.

Either I still haven't figured out the intricate details of digital photography or someone is trying to send me a sign that I'll have breathing problems someday.

---

It's cold. Real fucking cold. This morning when I went to class it "felt like" 8F. Who the hell let that happen in Texas?

I am so dry. My skin is like sandpaper despite daily slatherings in lotion. I have crocodile calves and areas of my thighs are bright pink with dryness. Why my thighs? I don't get it. The only exposed part of me that is suffering the damage are the backs of my hands. My face, my neck, my arms...all good.

---

I am going to start Weight Watchers on Monday. I am. You just wait and watch me. Really. I'm going to go to meetings and everything. Seriously. No. No. I'm totally serious. I am. Don't look at me like that. I'm going to--on Monday. This coming Monday. Yes, I AM. Don't laugh. Stop it.

I'm going. Monday. To Weight Watchers.

And until then I am eating in sin.

I had totally forgotten what a good meal Count Chocula makes. Mmmmmm. Chocolate marshmellows.

---

I'm about to head off to see The Hours I'll tell you how much I loved it when I get back.

2003-01-22T09:46:00.000-06:00

I dare you to go read The Onion and then go directly to CNN and not laugh at least once thinking a story is made up.

It's too early to confuse myself like that.

More later.

2003-01-21T19:59:00.000-06:00

This means I got the cam to work. This also means I haven't figured out how to make the best of it just yet. Be patient.

---

It was a long weekend with a lot of driving.

Paul's grandmother passed away on Thursday. I drove to Abilene Friday evening and then to San Angelo Saturday morning where I spent most of the day. Back to Abilene Saturday night and Lubbock on Monday night. I don't want to drive again any time soon.

I did...you can't say you enjoyed a funeral. Or maybe you can. It was beautiful. The service was nice, and the priest said all the right words. He knew her well so that helped.

I had been to her house three or four times with Paul. Each time she fed me and made sure I had plenty of sweet ice-tea to drink. She didn't speak much English, but she smiled profusely. And she loved her family. There were pictures everywhere and mementos and cards and such. Paul, one of 24 grandchildren, might have been the closest to her.

So, it was hard seeing him mourn and seeing his mother so devastated. It was difficult watching all of them cry. Nothing makes me cry faster than watching someone I love do it.

Amidst all the sorrow this last weekend, there was also a sense of relief for all of them knowing she wasn't hurting anymore.

It was good to be there. It was nice to be able to go and be there for him.

I talked to him for awhile today--while I was waiting for the bus to take me to the parking lot. He sounded in much higher spirits.

---

I've spent the evening setting up my printer and figuring out the cam. Next on my list is typing and printing out the schedule for my acting class. All the while I'm watching American Idol and thinking about my own audition next week for the student directed one-acts.

I have really good connections and have ended up with a fabulous monolog. Let's hope I do it justice.

I'm not at all picky about what size part I get or even what kind of part I get. This is my first go out. I just wanna make call-backs.

Just this semester I'm going to be very humble.

---

So I should get to it. I want to take a hot shower and do some reading before I go to sleep.

2003-01-16T21:00:00.000-06:00

I can pretty much guarantee you that nothing will come of it before Monday, but I got a digital camera! I needed a printer like nobody's business and got lucky with a bundle at a good price.

I'm going home this weekend and will probably need at least that long to figure out how it works and how to take a picture worth looking at.

I'm really excited about it, though. I've been envying everyone's for the last few years.

---

The week has been going really well. I've had very little time to do anything but be in class or meetings and prepare to be in class or meetings.

Teaching, though...it's...well....honestly?...it's fun. Yeah. Fun. Call me crazy, but I had a good time. Now I get to go do it again tomorrow.

I am dedicating most of Monday to life on the computer. I need to get that printer hooked up and play with the cam, so I should be able to take some time to tell you what it's like to be a grad student at Texas Tech.

Wreck'em Raiders.

2003-01-14T16:05:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I was completely overwhelmed. Today is better.

I've gotten so much put on my plate that I'm having a hard time piecing it together and knowing which end is up. I'm having syllabus issues, scheduling issues and I just want to go to bed issues.

I lost the luck of the draw and will be teaching the 8am MWF section of my class. I also have a class that I'm in on T/TH at 8am. I'll get over it pretty fast because it is all much better than 6:30am.

I know that in a few weeks I'll have it all down. I'll be trucking along at a pace I'm comfortable with. I'll have classes and teaching and production assignments. I won't be afraid of sitting in my office. I won't be afraid of my class that I haven't met yet. I'll be used to the mile or so hike from commuter parking.

Just for now it's all really really new and different and feels like a too tight sweater.

2003-01-12T23:06:00.000-06:00

I had a wonderful weekend.

Paul and Allen came up to see me, finally. We did so much shopping, so much eating, and so much talking. The laughing was the best part, as always. Or maybe it was the hugs.

They loved my house. Which thrills me. They came up here with me the day I had to find a place to live. When we looked at it was in HORRIBLE shape. Nasty. Whoever lived here before had abandoned it. There were no fewer than a hundred beer cans in the backyard alone. The walls were cigarette-yellow. The floor was dull and sad. It all stank. So for them to come back four months later and see it Jackie-fied was cool. They said it's a very "artsy" place. I like that.

We also got to exchange Christmas gifts at last. I got a beautiful set of martini glasses from Pier One. I tried to find them online, but alas they aren't there. They are over-sized glasses with a different color of paint splashed on the stem of each. Hard to explain, but they are very beautiful and very cool. I was also gifted with much chocolate and bath-time products.

I took them to mass with me this morning. Going to church is always nice, but it was particularly nice to not go alone.

They left this afternoon after much weeping, wailing and plans to see eachother again.

It actually wasn't a sad departure at all. When I walked back into the house I didn't have those "company just left" blues. I felt loved. And took a long nap.

---

It all starts tomorrow. I have a meeting at 9am for all TA's.

I think that's my only meeting for the day, but I need to get my student ID, my parking tag and find out how to sign up for the insurance. I think there is an insurance related meeting to go to or some such thing.

I'm very ready to go. I am nervous, no doubt. I am scared. But I am excited and thrilled and ready to push my boundaries a little. A lot, maybe.

---

I have some letters to write. I was planning on spending the evening doing that, but I got sidetracked. I've decided that I'm now going to be making a fairly decent living for a single girl in college, I should act responsibly. Part of my New Year's Resolution is to start tithing regularly and to start giving to a charity or two on a regular basis. So I've spent the evening thinking about what sort of causes move me the most.

I didn't have to think long, of course. If you know me at all you know that I've been to more than 20 animal welfare sites tonight. I've found more than a few that I'd like to contribute to. I'm more about the plight of the domesticated animal, though. I've still got a lot more reading to do.

So to those of you (AS!) that I owe letters to, be patient. I'll get to writing tomorrow.

---

It's just after 11 now and I promised myself I'd be in bed already.

After the nap, I'm not so tired. I think I'll go ahead and get into bed with a glass of milk and my Theatre History text book. I should be out in no time.

2003-01-09T15:50:00.000-06:00

I'm having visitors this weekend, so I've spent most of the week cleaning. Well. That's really not true.

I clean in spurts. I spend most of the time watching television. I know someone who is on one of the bigger soap operas and now I've gotten myself addicted to it. I'm going to have to figure out how to get my vcr to record once classes start.

I've also done some painting. Stuff I've mean to do for the last four months. I have a particle board cabinet I got back when I had a room mate. It's just a plain white thing I got at WalMart and spent an afternoon assembling. I've kept it in the kitchen until I moved here where it has taken up residency beside my desk. I've got an Aztec kind of look going on in my living room/office area so I broke down and painted in-style. I painted it with an adobe kind of faux finish thing (got to love Trading Spaces) and then did some little decorative swirly things on it.

Then I had a mirror surrounded by brown plastic that I antiqued white for my bedroom. I detailed it in light green and yellow. It's perty.

I'm excited about having visitors, though. I haven't really had any since I've been here. I get to play hostess for a weekend. I am going to make creme brulee.

///

I'm going to go get my hair cut tomorrow. It's been about 3 months, so I think it's time. I want to look, if not professional, at least put-together when I start teaching next week.

So I spent an hour in front of the mirror last night trying to figure out what I want to do with it.

First on my list is picking up a box of Nice&Easy. I used to have the random white strand here and there. I could search and pluck at will. That was at 24. If I let this grow out, I'd be salt and pepper within a year, I promise. I'm way too young for that. When I turn 40, I'll be happy to go white.

Which I think is cool, mind you. It's coming in white, not grey. So far.

Other than that, I'm not real sure what will happen with my hair.

\\\

I'm nervous about teaching. I want to do a good job. I want to have a fun class where learning just happens. I'm teaching acting so it's not quite the difficult task that physics might be, but I'm going in with virtually no experience.

I want my class to think I'm smart and funny and kinda cool.

But I know this will take me years--to get into my own style of teaching and not be just a mimicry of profs I've loved before. At least I'm starting now and getting my feet wet while I'm still a student. I'm hoping it will make finding a job a more profitable experience.

///

It's later now. Hours and hours later. It's been an odd day that involved me getting dressed and doing my hair and then talking on the phone for half an hour and then getting back into my sweats and staying here.

Then that esophagus problem thing I have happened again. Hasn't happened in almost 2 years. Damnit. I thought maybe it would just stop.

So I'm sipping cold water to prevent swelling and contemplating a Sonic milkshake.

Really, I think I'm just go to lay down and watch television.
Unless I can convince Sonic to deliver me a milkshake.

2003-01-08T09:47:00.000-06:00

from: 1/06/03

So, I've got a computer in my house. I can't tell you how cool it is to have a keyboard bigger than a slice of bread. I even got my internet connection through Tech set up before I left Abilene.

But then.

Well. I had been trying to call here and check my messages the last few days. The phone would just ring and ring and ring. Damn machine, I figured. It's just over a year so time to die, right?

Then I got paranoid and considered the possibility that my electric bill payment didn't make it in and that my house was sitting dark and cold and alone.

I knew my phone had to still be working because I wasn't getting a disconnect message or a crazy busy signal. Right?

No.

Something is fucked up at the box, and I have to wait until tomorrow (sometime between 8am and 7pm) to have it fixed.

Oddly, I'm only a tad bit frustrated. I figure I'm lucky enough that all the other factors of my computing efforts are working. If only I could find the power cord for my scanner I'd be thrilled pink.

And so, what the hell?, I'll do the Tracing thing and do a massive upload of entries when I get it all working. Which will hopefully be tomorrow and thus not a massive upload. But still. You get my point.

---

At one and the same time I am happier to be back than I thought I'd be, and I already miss my parents more than I thought I would.

My parents are really good people. They are so kind and so giving. I am lucky. Blessed. They are quirky, no doubt. My mom dotes a lot and has some wacked out notions about things. (She thinks that someday she might own a lamb again.) My dad is funny, but thinks he's funnier than he is. He is set in his ways like an old dog should be (an old, lovable dog, of course.) He's a bit of a perfectionist. Together they are beautiful. My mom can drive him crazy, he can drive her to tears--but that's rare. Mostly they just keep each other driving forward.

I don't necessarily want a marriage like theirs, but I want a marriage that works as well as theirs does.

---

But my house is my house and it's kinda sorta my home. If you would want to consider Lubbock home.

I've got a very comfortable bed to get into. My bed.

Sometimes I really dig sleeping alone.

from: 1/07/03

Everything is in working order now. I just don’t feel like messing with blogger tonight so I’ll upload tomorrow.

Eventually, I’d like to leave blogger and just start over fresh at some new cool domain. That might actually be able to happen sooner than later. But I’m not evening going into inner-brain planning on it.

///

My skin thinks we’re living in Alaska again. Lubbock is dry in so many different ways.

My skin is so dry that everything is starting to itch. The backs of my hands even feel a bit scaly. I’ve got to start a 5x a day lotion regimen if I want to get out of this season without having to shed like a snake.

It doesn’t seem to effect my hair, though, which is amazing. We must have really good water here or something.

\\\

I was walking down memory lane with an old friend earlier. I was looking at some pictures from what was, surprisingly, three years ago. I don’t look like I used to.

I look at the pictures of myself at 27, and I really think I was pretty. At the time I didn’t.

It makes me want to stop and try and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror without knowing it’s me and seeing what I think.

2003-01-04T00:32:00.000-06:00

My head is whirring. Whirring slowly, but whirring all the same.

So much to go over; so much to look forward to.

I will soon be reconnected to so many things. To people, to school, to theatre. Writing! Art. Life online.

And so many new things are beginning for me. Grad school. Teaching.

I have another week before it all floods in on me. I'm going to try to make as good a use of these 9 days as I can. I'm at home for a few more days then it's back to Lubbock where I should be able to get online again.

It is my intention to write most of every single day next week. That's my first resolution.

----

Seeing Rosana was wonderful. As I had expected it to be. We did a lot of sitting and talking. That's what we're best at. And eating. Can't forget about the eating. Seeing her roots me back to myself really well.

Paul and a friend of his came up last Sunday. We ate a late lunch and then spent a few hours talking before they had to head back. Seeing him always inspires me to keep moving toward who I want to be. I called him just seconds after the New Year. We weren't together but we were both in much better places than we were together last year.

---

This last year was a really big year for me. Big is the best word I have for it.

I had an offer to have my script produced again. I witnessed a friend being victimized. I converted to Catholocism. My father was diagnosed with cancer. I graduated from college. I turned 30. I went to NYC. I saw Yale. I saw the Pope. I had a thousand fights and nearly a thousand reconciliations with friends and family. My brother got divorced. I got accepted to grad school, had it all fail miserably at the last minute and then slowly get pieced back together again. I was granted a teaching assistantship. I had car troubles. I had car joys. I had the most moving experience of my life. I almost fell in-love (which was better than actually doing it.) I've gotten to become a faux aunt for the first time and am loving ever second of it.

Big things have happened. Not all of them big in good ways, but most of them.

---

I predict that this is going to be a year of growth for me. I think I am going to be getting to know Jackie on a lot of different levels. I'm going to have to be pushing my boundaries, particularly creatively, for the next three years and we all know the first is always the hardest.

I want it to also be a year of improvement. A year of sharpening.

I so badly want it to be a good year.

2002-12-25T15:06:00.000-06:00

Sick. I have been so sick the last few weeks, but the bitch of it has been the last few days.

It all started with a sore throat that turned into a head cold that went away for maybe a day then came back as a sore throat (worse) then a head cold (worse) then a chest cold and the last few days I've wished that I could put a bed in my bathroom. I've been coughing and throwing up so much every muscle from my hips up aches.

And why at Christmas? Why my first Christmas? I had such good intentions to be at all the various masses (evening, midnight and morning) but only managed to get to the one this morning and felt miserable and weak the entire time. I tripped on my own feet in the communion line.

I'm babysitting Alex's cat Pablo while the family is out of town. I stopped by here to feed him and am conveniently using their computer. I am going to try and go see a movie if I feel up to it and if I can decide which of three I'd rather see. I might shock myself and just see Drumline. If only Chicago had opened today as I thought it would.

I'm headed back to Abilene tomorrow. I hope. The last thing I want to do is give what I have to my mom. If I'm feeling mostly better, I'll go on. I want to see Rosana as soon as humaly possible.

Now I'm going to go back home and rest and contemplate which bad movie I'll go see tonight.

2002-12-16T15:13:00.000-06:00

Hi.

So to update everyone on everything, not only have I been accepted at Texas Tech as a bonafide grad student, I also got a teaching assistantship and will be teaching one section of Intro to Acting. I had applied a week or two ago for a job at the library here at Tech. I got that job, too, but had to turn it down because of the assistantship. I wasn't too sad about that.

To add to the joy, my dad just bought a new computer and I will be getting his old P3 right after Christmas. So...more of me then. Though, to be honest, I have no notion of what my schedule will look like once school starts. I'll have my classes plus the class I'm teaching plus office hours plus plus plus. You get the picture.

Where I am emotionally is a very mixed up little place. I'm not really sure where I'm at. I have so much to be grateful for, and I am. Despite the more difficult things I am alive and loved. That is enough to be happy about.

I don't want to start this out with a but. My mom's getting worse. She's losing the use of her hands almost altogether now. I'd say she has 20% use of her right arm and 0% use of her right hand. Her left side is stronger--I'm assuming because she is left handed, but that, too, is dwindling. My guess is 50% use of her arm and 30% use of her hand. If that. And her spirits aren't as high as they used to be. Which brings all of our spirits down a notch.

I worry occassionally about my ex-sister-in-law. Not in a missing kind of way...just in a worried kind of way. A worried worry. I don't know why or how to make it stop.

I have some friendships that are really thriving right now. I appreciate them so much and try always to be aware of how much they bring to my life.

I have other friendships that are waning. I'm hoping it's a temporary situation but I can't help but feel like I'm being dumped. Being dumped by friends sucks in some seriously painful ways. Especially when you don't understand why. I'm trying to avoid the self-blame thing. That's not as easy as it might sound. And I don't think it sounds easy.

I'm getting through the days one at a time. I give myself little projects for when I get home from work to sorta help. A spoonful of sugar and whatnot. Tomorrow I'm going to the public library for the first time. Today, obviously, I'm up at Tech. I might go to the bookstore from here and see how much books will cost me in January.

I have an eye twitch. My left eye has been twitching for about two weeks now. I even got new reading glasses thinking that would help, but it hasn't. Neither has sleep, more caffiene or less caffeine. Maybe a bubble bath would cure it.

Or a bottle of wine. Hmm.

Rosana is coming down for Christmas. I am so excited to get to see her. It's been right at a year and so much has happened for both of us in the last twelve months. We've got a lot of laughing and cyring to catch up on. I really wish we lived closer.

There are so many things I wish for. I need to stop, though, and be very happy for the wishes that have come to me (see first paragraph.)

2002-11-26T16:49:00.000-06:00

Yeah, it's been an incredibly long time.

I post about once a month or so to the notify list now that I don't have frequent computer usage. So if you wanna keep more up to date with me, join the notify. Otherwise you are destined to very infrequent spurts.

Infrequent will hopefully become less infrequent come the middle of January. I was at long last accepted at Tech in a bonafide sort of way. So I came up here to the school to register for classes. No luck as the university hasn't received the grad schools recomendation to accept me yet. From what I gather they submitted the info on Friday. So let's hope it's an any day now kind of thing. Classes are filling up.

I had a weird weird dream last night that I was at a pre-semester party to meet all the grad students. Which is odd because I went to school here for 2 whole weeks and have socialized with these folk on rare ocassions but I know who they are and they know me. But anyway, I meet all these people that in the real world I already know. Anyway we start playing this game that entails writing lables on the wall and then whoever fits those labels has to go stand under it. The lables were like: student, liberal, conservative, Jew, Christian, Gay, Straight, Funny and so on. In my dream it was a fun game and silly for the most part but I had confusion about which labels I belonged under and if I could be under two contradicting ones. Because as we know that is what Jackie loves in life--a damn good paradox.

Lubbock is cold. Not Alaska cold, but sure not San Angelo cold. The wind freaking bites. I've got to get a coat before too long. Jackets and sweaters can only do so much.

I kinda don't like my job. Okay, I don't like it at all. I'm hoping that when school starts I'll be able to find an on-campus job.

Enough with me. But hopefully---as I started to say earlier---when school starts I'll either have more computer access or I'll be able to buy one.

Happy Holidays!

2002-10-02T22:24:00.000-05:00

10/01/02

I kind of feel like my brain is melting and will ooze out my ears at any moment.

I took the GRE this morning. I know that a lot of people say that it's not that bad. I know some people make perfect scores on it.

Had I taken it last October it might have been a better experience. I would have known that I still had a good six or seven months to take it again and do better if I wanted. I wouldn't have just had the door of graduate school slammed in my face a few weeks earlier.

What I did, was I waited until the last possible moment to take it. And I took it on the first day of the "new" test. They eliminated the Analytical section and replaced it with a writing section.

I invited anxiety into my life.

I did well on the writing. Probably better than I did on the Verbal or Quantitative. It wasn't difficult. But being that it was new and different from what I had practiced---I was stressed out about it. They take a week or two to grade the essays but I'm not worried about them. And I did well on the other two sections. In fact, I made the same grade on each. How I made the same grade on a math test as I did an language test is totally beyond me. But I did. And I'm satisfied.

Now. I'm not satisfied enough to tell you what I made. It would probably take making a 700 or better for me to do that. But I did well.

Will I take it again?

That's all I thought about on the way home. I could spend an hour every day working on building my vocabulary. I could do the math exercises in the study guide I bought.

I could increase my score a good 50 points I think, maybe more, if I took it again in a few months.

But the thing is, it's just a standardized test. It's not the final verdict on my intellect.

I won't take it again.

---

I'm in Abilene a few days helping my dad out.

He's got a lot going on this week, so I thought I'd come down and get the GRE out of the way, too.

When I do the dishes every night I wash the thermos he takes the work everyday. It's a tall, silver, tough, manly looking thermos.

When I open it up to rinse it out I always have to laugh when I see the last drips pour out.

My dad takes cherry kool-aid to work everyday. Is that not cute?

---

I got a job. I don't know when I start, but I got one.

I'll be doing directory assistance. 411. "City and state, please."

I am relieved to have found something simple. Not something worthy of my degree and career-oriented. They don't mind me going half time come January.

---

Paul is coming up to see me this weekend. I'll have my first houseguest.

I'm looking forward to showing someone the Lubbock I've come to know. You know?

Hell, I'm just looking forward to spending 2 days laughing with him.

---

My dad is having some work done in the yard. He's having the fence replaced and is having more sidewalk layed down for my mom's wheelchair.

They guy who is doing the work wakes me up every morning.

He's a very handsome, very built black man and he wakes me up with his singing.

I wish I could wake up that way everyday.

---

I've been told, "I love you" twice today.

That's twice more than most days.

It feels so good to hear it.

---

Today

I bought my first ever pair of GAP jeans today.

They were 10 bucks. They fit. How could I say no to them?

---

I'm reading Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner. I like it. I like it a lot. But I was expecting to love it.

---

I miss my webcam. I miss having pictures of myself to gawk at everyday.

Maybe gawk is the wrong word.

I miss being able to look at myself "still" everyday. Like capturing the essence au Jackie.

What's funny, though, is that I say I miss having a webcam when I don't even have a computer.

I miss my computer more, truth be known.

---

Okay, so you know how I said my dad was having some work done on the house by a handsome, buff black man?

Well. HBBM has various and assundered guys working for him. I don't think I've seen the same one twise all week.

His worker today, we'll call him Travis, wants in my pants in crazy ways.

I knew it the second he saw me.

I'm not bragging. I'm more in awe. This stuff doesn't happen to me.

I left the house to go to the mall this evening as they were packing up their stuff to go home.

"Bluggah Blaful!" he yells to me.

"What?"

"Buh-bye Beautiful!"

Travis is maybe 20. Travis works manual labor all day.

I have no inherant prejudices about that---I'm sure he's a good guy. I want a man with a higher education, though.

Still. I got a huge thrill from calling Paul to tell him someone spent the day lusting after me.

Maybe I am bragging.

2002-09-22T22:28:00.000-05:00

From 9/20/02

Around 10:30 last night someone knocked on my door.

I thought it might be Sal, a friend that lives down the street. So, I opened
the door slowly with Allie barking at my side to take a peek.

Why I didn't look through the peephole first is beyond me.

I turned on the porchlight and saw a young hispanic man standing just off
to the right of my front porch. He looked like I caught him off guard.

I opened the storm door a little and asked if I could help him.

I had a hard time understanding him, but gathered he had run out of gas and needed money. I told him that I was sorry, I didn't have anything.

All this was over the sound of Allie barking.

He walked off to, I presume, the next house.

And that's where I have problems.

Not in the walking off, but just before that, when I told him I didn't have anything.

I had two dollars in my wallet. Had the situation been different, I would have been delighted to give them to him. I've had people come to my rescue when I've run out of gas before. I wish it could have been an opportunity for me to pay back the "collective good."

But it was late. I live alone. I didn't see his car. I don't know that he had a car. I wasn't thinking fast enough to have him wait right where he was standing and put Allie on a leash and us come out and bring it to him. But even that--who knows what could happen.

If he was being honest, I feel for him and hope he found some money or got a ride.

I really hope he was being honest.

Mostly living alone doesn't frighten me.

---

I've taken two spelling tests and two typing tests in the last two weeks at various places of possible employment.

One test I got a 94 (out of 100) on the spelling test, the other I got a 90 (out of 10.) At one place I type 75WPM with 99% accuracy. At the other I'm up to 80WPM but at 98% accuracy. If only I could take the best of both.

No luck yet in finding anything. I haven't even had a real interview yet. I know it takes time and I'm trying to be patient without slacking.

---

I'm going to San Angelo tomorrow for Paul's birthday. This is the longest we've gone without seeing eachother.

I miss him so much that it just makes me like him all the more. Our talks are fewer and further between but so much more meaningful.

I miss Allen and Dr. Doll. I miss my Priest friend. But I'm keeping in close touch with them, too.

And Marie has wandered back into my life again with long e-mails and discussions about poetry.

In Lubbock I am almost entirely alone. I talk to Alex and wife maybe once a week. I talk to Sal maybe twice. I don't actually see any of them very often.

But I don't feel alone at all on the "universal" level.

Look at me. I'm being so "cosmic" today.

---

Today

I got back a few hours ago from San Angelo.

I had such a good time.

This morning, especially, was nice. Paul and I sat around his house alternately chatting and sleeping on his sofa. When his mom got home from church she made us a real Mexican breakfast. Scrambled eggs with chile sauce, refried beans, bacon and tortillas. They laughed at me because the white girl wanted a fork.

His mom gave me some pink pot holders for my new place.

They really are family to me.

Leaving was painful.

On the drive back I had my hand hanging out the window when a pebble flew up and hit my thumb. It didn't hurt that much, but it sure did give me permission to cry the rest of the way home.

2002-09-07T21:35:00.000-05:00

I never sent out a notify on the last post, so scroll down and read it if you haven't.

I don't get to keep the one class I was hoping to. I have learned from this experience to triple check everything and never take someone's word for anything. And oh yeah, to get everything writing.

With luck everything will be smooth sailing for the Spring.

I remind myself of when I moved to Denton in June to find a job before school started. I worked for 3 months before classes started. That was no big deal. This time it will be four months. No big deal.

It might be nice to have spending money for a change.

I am having fun unpacking and decorating. I'm going to hang my curtains tomorrow. That really excites me.

I'm at my parents' for the weekend. I've watched three episodes of Trading Spaces today. I'm all kicked up about decorating now.

But yeah, I'm at home to get my resume done and printed out and to see what kind of job leads I can find online. See.

See. That's going to be a problem over the next four months. Unless I get a job with internet access I won't have any. No computer labs for this chickadee. That means that this here thing will be updated once a month or so--depending on when I get home to see my parents or to San Angelo to see Paul. So if there were ever a time to join the notify list it would be now.

I've made a friend. He's a sweetheart and has sorta taken me under his wing. I like him a bit more than is good for me, but that's okay. He's my age, he's not gay, he's not married, he's not going to be a priest. He's got a girlfriend, though. So I will have a beautiful time getting to be better friends with him. And who knows? There is no ring on his finger yet, and I know how things can change.

I think I would like to work in another library. I didn't think I'd ever hear myself say that again--but I sorta miss it. I miss it quite a bit.

My dad finished radiation last week. He's starting to get his taste buds back which makes us all happy. I can hear him snoring in the living room. I'm betting dollars to donuts that mom is asleep, too. I know the dogs are. It's comforting to be here.

I'm going to go to the Barnes and Noble site now. I have a $10 gift certificate to spend.

More...eventually.

2002-09-01T23:58:00.000-05:00

The first week of classes are over. It was a hell of a week.

Due to circumstances beyond my control and way too complicated to detail here, I am having to drop all my clsses but one and get myself a full time job for this semester. It's pretty obvious this is a financial aid issue, isn't it?

Oh well.

I'm a big risk taker. Always have been. I tend to do what I think is best at the moment, consequences be damned. This is different. Staying in Lubbock right now is taking a big leap of faith. I've got it in me to do it, though.

I moved into my new place on Friday. Paul came up to help me. I liked having him here a lot. My two worlds sorta joined up.

The people here are great, for the most part. I've met some people I think are really neat. People my age, if you can believe it.

Just today two old friends sorta came back into my life. I say sorta because I don't think they really left it or that I really left theirs. More like the end of a hiatus or something. I don't know how to explain it and both were very different situations. But I have to say it feels good to have things be good with them again.

I'm exhausted. More tomorrow.

2002-08-27T09:36:00.000-05:00

I put my back out sometime on Saturday.

It is stiff more than it hurts but it has made my life a lot less comfortable.

I don't know if it was sleeping in a different bed, packing and moving, carrying around a 14 month old or if it was just a result of stress.

It's the second day of classes and so far so good.

My apartment is supposed to be ready for "move in" on Friday morning. Here's hoping that's the case.

I'm enjoying staing with Alex and his wife...I've had fun...but I am as ready for a little privacy as they must be.

I'm going to get some reading done.

But as you can see. I found the computer lab.

2002-08-20T17:55:00.000-05:00

I have almost finished packing. I came out to get more boxes and thought I'd check my e-mail and write a little.

I honestly don't have any vague idea when or how much I'll be writing here in the future. Not for a lack of want, but for a lack of accessibility.

Though, I'm probably being over-cautious in stating that. I'm going to a school called Tech. They are going to have computer labs.

I'm leaving for Abilene tomorrow night. Sometime late Thursday evening I'll drive to Lubbock. Friday I wander the school and find my classes and hope to meet my profs. Saturday is a picnic for faculty and grad students. Sunday I am a lector for the CSA mass. I need to find the church.

Monday school starts.
Wednesday is "new student orientation" for the drama department. Thursday is auditions.

I head back to San Angelo Friday after class. I stay the night with Paul and get a U-Haul the next morning. We load up and Paul follows me in my car.

Unpack Saturday. Go to call-backs if I'm called back.

Drive Paul back to San Angelo on Sunday.

Go to Abilene on Labor Day to fetch the pets and then back into Lubbock that night.

It'll be Thanksgiving before I know it.

---

You guys.

I'm going to school to learn how to write better plays.

How fantastic is that?

2002-08-17T23:51:00.000-05:00

If you can learn just one thing from all the mistakes I've made, learn this: do not go to a college town two weeks before school starts expecting to find a place to live in one afternoon. Just don't. Respect yourself and those who accompany you on this journey enough to know that it is a stupid, stupid idea.

You will cry. I'm not joking.

You will find yourself sitting at the Coffee Haus drinking an iced Chai Tea in tears. You will sniffle and dab your eyes while your kind friends take over the cell phone and the Thrifty Nickel and start making calls for you.

When that place you just called about, looked at and loved has been rented by the time you can call the realtor back you will know disappointment in a way you've never known it.

As the clock ticks and the afternoon passes and your only option appears to be a beautiful little house with hardwood floors in Tech Terrace that is WAY THE FUCK out of your budget, but you almost don't care...that's when you suddenly understand the look on your dad's face when you said you were driving to Lubbock for the afternoon to find a place to live.

You will cry. You will apologize to your friends a thousand times for being such an idiot. You will apologize to them for having to search in the heat with you. Your shoulders and neck will tense up so much that you have a hard time looking side to side. Nausea will set in. You'll look at your friends' faces and suddenly that night you sat in the bathroom for three hours while your drunk-off-his-ass friend puked the spaghetti you made for him earlier seems like nothing compared to the miserable afternoon you are making him spend watching you peek into tiny little houses with tears in your eyes knowing someone else just nabbed it.

I got lucky, kids. R-e-a-l lucky.

I got a place. A nice, affordable place with a little backyard and hardwood floors. It has a bathtub and an oven that works. I'll have a bedroom again. It's well within my budget. The neighborhood seems safe. I can move in on the first and I have beautiful friends letting me stay with them the first week of school.

Two days later and I'm still having to take sporadic hot showers to get my shoulders to relax a little.

I start grad school in 1 week and 1 day.

Paul threw me a little party last night. It was lovely. We had a blast. I cried as we drove home later that night when it finally sunk in just how much I'm going to miss him.

2002-08-13T12:56:00.000-05:00

I've got about ten minutes. Let's se what I can say.

I said goodbye to Eric last night. It was my first goodbye and likely one of the hardest. He headed down the road to his greener pasture this morning. He came by and then stayed for nearly an hour before hitting the next stop on his rounds. I'm glad and surprised he stayed as long as he did. A long hug and declaration by him that we are both "really independent people, anyhow" began our friendship from afar.

Paul and I are heading up to Lubbock on Thursday to see if we can't find a place for me and the animals to live. Cross your fingers for me.

I'm registered and only one of the classes I have to have this semester is full. We'll see what I can do about squeezing myself in there anyhow. I'm deteremined to get this done in 2 years instead of 3.

I burned my tongue at lunch. I wonder how long it will take to get my taste buds back.

My family is hanging in there. I'm still sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop on me. Everyone else has a crisis on their hands. Why not me?

I've got a lot of packing to do. Got any big boxes to spare?

I think I'm on the last day of recovering from the Pople cold.

Two minutes left. I'll use them to hit the "post and publish" button.

2002-08-05T19:37:00.000-05:00

World Youth Day 2002 was one of the best times I've had in my life. It wasn't always fun, it wasn't always cool, but it was always wonderful.

I hate the word 'amazing.' It is so overused it had come to mean nothing to me anymore.

WYD restored the meaning and put the word back in my vocabulary.

Almost a week later I am still sick and getting sicker. It started as it always does with a sore throat and has grown into a congested head and chest. Waiting for the Pope in the rain can do that to a girl. So can a week's worth of nights with 4 hours sleep.

But I don't really care.

The relationships that developed, the relationships that matured and the relationships that died on that trip are well worth the discomfort.

The most beautiful three minutes I've experienced in my life thus far have made it all worth it.

I cried nearly every day of the trip. Joy. Disappointment. Love. Fear. Regard. Peace. Pain.

I never cried alone, though.

This isn't the place I want to write the details of my spiritual journey in life. That is a most private part of me.

But I will tell you that I've come as close to falling in-love as I ever have without actually doing it.

Somehow I managed to reign in the emotion and shift it. I have a lot of love for this man but I simply can't love him romantically.

I can't. And that's hard for me to deal with. I'm used to loving nilly-willy, consequences be what they may.

I have to be responsible with my heart, though. And with his.

So, I'm shape-shifting my love for him and watching him do the same for me. I want a life long friendship with him and to adjust my in-love to brother-love is the best way to make that happen.

But he has raised the bar. My expectations of a man are not what they were when I left.

He is a caretaker, much like I am, and he isn't afraid to break through my maternal-code and reach out to me and hold my hand and make sure I'm alright. He's been known to put my needs in front of his. He is funny, intellectual and spiritual. He's cocky and over confident, and I know when it's real and I know when it's show. He has a cajillion faults and could name them all for you if you asked nicely. He has a very high regard for me.

And he leaves next week for his greener pasture. I for mine two weeks later. There will be e-mail and phone calls and a lot of patience.

I got into Tech.

Grad school here I come.

I've come into work tonight to grab some boxes and thought I'd write an update real quick.

2002-07-21T14:34:00.000-05:00

Not only am I having the worst period known to man (or rather, woman), but I think I have lost all my letters of recomendation that I was going to send to Tech. AND I leave for Toronto in about 12 hours.

I haven't finished my statement of purpose yet, either.

What am I going to do with myself?

I think I might know where the folder went that had all my pertinent info stuff in it is. In my mind's eye I can see it sitting under my bed. Alone and afraid.

Grey should be a dog the way she likes to carry things around between her teeth and hide them away under blankets, behind furniture and beneath the bed.

This folder is a little heavy for her...but with the right amount of nose-pushing she could have slid it under the bed. I pray it's there. If not I'm giong to get myself aquainted with St. Anthony real quick.

---

I learned a lot about what not to pack when I went to New York last month.

I can sum it up in a word. Shoes.

Two pair of shoes for any trip should be enough. And you should always wear the heavier pair on the trip to and fro.

Two bags should be enough, too. We're talking one suitcase type thing and a carry-on. No more! And if you can't easily carry them around without your arm wanting to break off...unpack some of the shoes!

I'm gone twice as long and think I'm bringing half as much this time.

I'm excited. I'm nervous. And in some ways I'm already ready to come back home.

---

As soon as I get home I'm going to have to hit the ground running.

I have to pack up the house, find a place to live, register for classes, MOVE...and savor every last second I have with my friends here.

Oy vey.

---

So, I'm off again now. Going to head back home and begin my search and destroy mission for that damn folder. Then I'll be back to finish the SOP and the TA application.

Lordy.

---

Alright. It's a bit later now and I found my blessed green folder. It was not hidden by cat forces. Nope. It was underneat the skirt I wore to mass last weekend.

Mass. I have to remember to get up and go to mass in a few hours.

---

I have been in the lab an hour now. I have not even opened the file for my SOP.

I did finish my Teaching Assistantship Application and the resume it required. Go me.

---

I think I have most of the SOP done now. It's about an hour later. But I have no sense or order in it. I need to print it out, cut out the different paragraphs and arrange and re-arrange. I don't have an adequate intro or any sort of conclusion.

But it finally looks like it is going to happen.

---

I went to mass. I ate a little dinner. Met with my "cat sitter" and showed her where and how for everything cat-related.

The cats finally discovered the joy of the ball of yarn today. Today. The day before I leave my little bundles of joy discover the secret to cat happiness. It breaks my heart, but I'm so glad I was there to see it happen first.

On my way back up here I decided to give Paul a ringie dingie on his cell phone from mine. Being that he is in a place great and far away I didn't think I'd get a hold of him. I was ready for the voice male. But we got to talk! For thirteen minutes and forty two seconds. I know this because I have a cell phone.

I can't drive and talk at the same time. Even if I wanted to. I can't. I pulled over five times.

Pull over and chat a little. Drive down the road, pull over, chat a little.

Finally I got to the school parking lot and we talked for another few minutes.

I've talked to Paul so now I can go to Toronto and see the Pope.

Well. After I finish my statement of purpose.

2002-07-17T23:19:00.000-05:00

I have not finished the statement of purpose yet.

I got a good first draft done, handed it over to my Priest-to-be pal for an edit and though we agreed it was a good start...it needed HELP.

No problems with grammar or spelling or anything. It was more a matter of focus. I spent more time telling them who I am than my hopes and dreams for grad school--which the paper is supposed to be about. I was going to try and get it finished tonigh. Who knows. If I get energized real soon I might.

I got started here late. I went to see my newly prego friend Gayle and come to find out---she's having TWINS!

I'm so excited for her. I got to feel her tummy even though she's only 7 weeks along.

---

I'm feeling all out of sorts this week. I have indigestion and heartburn like you wouldn't believe. It invaded me on Friday and has only taken a few breaks.

I've never had problems with it before. I could drink a big glass of orange juice before bed--no problemo.

I must be getting old.

---

I got a cell phone.

Always said I wouldn't. No way. No how.

I did.

I dig it.

---

I had so much fun with Paul this weekend.

We have our own little language and we laugh like psychos.

I took him to the airport Tuesday morning. He's in a far away place having a great deal of fun. He called me a while ago (yep, on the new cell phone) and said he arrived safely and has been doing an enormous amount of shopping.

I leave for Canada in 4 days.

No. I'm not prepared. At all.

---

This summer the days are long and the weeks are short.

2002-07-13T14:44:00.000-05:00

I'm finally doing it. Believe it or not on this fine Saturday afternoon I am face to face with the computer monitor and the Statement of Purpose.

I have a couple of paragraphs written. Well, stolen actually. From myself, don't worry. I spent the latter part of the morning writing cover letters for my script (finally sending a few copies of it out, too) and found myself writing things that would serve the S.O.P. very well. I just don't know where yet.

I'm totally behind the idea of doing something different with my statement. I know that whatever I choose to do differently will be the thing that a) sets me a part and b) gives them a more "inside" look at who I am. So, I have this idea. A cool idea, I think. But I'm terrified that it will not fall into the category of "different" but into the category of "everyone trying to get into an MFA in Playwriting does that." Oh how I wish Dr. Doll were around so I could ask him.

Maybe I'll just play it by the rules. Agh.

---

I've got a page and a half done!

And I'm playing it safe. But, I'm playing it well.

---

And now I'm going to let it ferment until tomorrow.

---

Paul is home today!

*GUSH*

2002-07-09T17:05:00.000-05:00

I'm not so glum anymore, though I'm not quite sure what I am.

A few words come to mind. Maybe a few other words come to your mind.

---

The siblings aren't going to be the siblings for much longer. In fact, this is likely the last time I refer to them as such. From now on it's just my brother.

I've never been so angry at someone in my life. I have never wanted to lash out at someone like I do her.

These feelings surprise me.

I'd say more. But it's not my place.

Other than that I love my brother.

---

Every day my opinion of the world changes a little.

Some for the worst, some for the better.

Human beings are capable of some beautiful things. Things that thrill and delight and astonish me.

"A paradox, a paradox, a most ingenious paradox."

I have found that a walk along the river with a good, but not terribly close, friend is a very good cure for the blues.

They know you well enough to make you laugh without knowing you well enough to know why you want to laugh so much.

---

I've gotten into decopage lately.

It takes my mind off of things and lets me be 8 for a few hours.

---

I go to Toronto in two weeks. Looking forward to it.

---

In the words of my friend Allen, "Woe is I."

Really. I'm fine, though.

I think.

2002-07-04T23:35:00.000-05:00

Today, I’m glum.

I get out of it for an hour or so and then it just comes right back. Stronger.

I really want to spend a few days at home alone. But I have so many other commitments, that I just can’t.

Next weekend I will. And thank God Paul will be getting into town so I can be at home and get him, too.

I’m going to Dallas to spend a few days with my brother tomorrow. And already I’m contemplating the idea of driving back down to Marble Falls on Monday or Thursday to see Paul. He’s back a week from Saturday and my heart just doesn’t know if it can hold out that long without him. Sad, huh? Trust me, if Rosana were as close I’d be headed in her direction just as often.

I don’t know if I am an extrovert or an introvert. Somewhere in the middle.

People in general do not recharge me. Mostly, I recharge alone. But a few select people do give me that inner energy. My closest friends. And none of them are very near right now and I am craving that kind of charge.

My biological clock is going to explode soon.

I stopped by my friend Gayle’s house today to drop off a congratulatory card and gift. She is six weeks along. Then I went to Alex’s house to wish his boy a happy first birthday. Another friend’s babe will turn a year old on Sunday.

I haven’t even had a chance to start on my statement of purpose yet.

I’m tired. Wore out.
I’ve got a lot on my plate right now. Obvious things like my parents and grad school and not so obvious things like my heart.

My brother just got a new house, and I hear it has enormous bath tubs. I am going to lock myself in one tomorrow night with the last of my Lush bath bombs. I am going to steam and cry. I don’t think I’ve ever planned a cry before, but I am now.

I made a cheesecake for my dad today in hopes it would make me feel better--to bake and be productive and do something for someone. No. It just made me feel fat to be honest.

Ih.

Goodnight.

2002-06-28T17:25:00.000-05:00

I drove to Marble Falls again last night to see Paul.

It is so odd to go two full weeks without seeing him. I'm trying to get used to it though--as in another month or two the spaces between will be much longer than two weeks.

I have a very long letter to him stewing in my head. A good one but one that will be hard to write. Nothing is wrong. In fact, some things I thought might be wrong aren't wrong at all. Hell, I don't know how to talk about it. Maybe once it's written I'll be able to explain. Because I want to explain.

I had a terrific time with him, though. We ate and drove around in a thunderstorm, then got milk shakes and drove around some more. I got a lot of stuff off my chest. I was finally able to give him the entire run-down on my dad (have I explained here about my dad? I'll get to that in a second) and my trip. I got to tell all the stories that no one else cared about, no one else would understand, or no one else needed to know. We laughed like pschos.

He called me a woman.
He let me buy him dinner.
He kissed my cheek.

He told me all his stories that no else gets, either.

It gets me all choked up that I have that kind of relationship with him.

--

My dad.

I'll back up and tell it all lest I skip something.

He was diagnosed with cancer the end of April. In his lymph node behind his ear and in his salivary glands.

On May 16 he had all of it removed. I went home for a week to take care of both my parents.

You know how that has scared me in the past. And that just taking care of my mom. It's terrified me and depressed me.

It didn't do either this time. I felt useful and thankful for the opportunity to show them how much I care. It frazzled me, though.

It's part of why--or the most of why I needed to get out of here so badly.

I have two sick parents. And not mildly sick. Not colds, not disorders...we're talking serious diseases.

So. My last night in New Haven I call home and am told quickly (before I can protest) that my dad was going to have to have all of his teeth pulled. For radiation. Because radiation will kill his salivary glands thus giving no protection to his teeth from the radiation. It was to happen the next day. On his birthday.

They didn't know I was still gone. Thought I was home already. That's not news I wanted to get so far away on the last night of de-frazzling.

I cried long and hard that night.

My dad goes to the dentist every six months. He's had like two cavities in his life and the only oral surgery he has had was because he brushes his teeth too hard. He has good teeth. Had good teeth.

While I was away he found another lump, too. In his groin. We're still waiting to hear on that one.

So. That's the story of my dad thus far.

My mom doesn't know about the second lump.

---

I did manage to get registered for the GRE but have yet to begin the statement of purpose. I do appreciate your advice and ideas on that tremendously.

---

I slept in my car last night just outside of Brady.

I'm going home and napping.

2002-06-25T22:27:00.000-05:00

I don't have a lot of time tonight, and won't even send out a notify until tomorrow--sorry kids, but I have to say something about applying to graduate school. Two things, really.

One. Trying to register for the GRE via the mails is a gigantic puzzle. I think the GRE actually begins when you first begin your search for a registration bulletin. If you manage to get the forms filled out, the envelope addressed and the stamp on the damn thing you are half-way to a perfect score. It's giving me fits.

Two. Writing that statement of purpose carries an incredibly large burden when you are applying to a writing program. Unless you've done it--you have NO IDEA what kind of pressure that is.

I keep having nightmares about cars.

2002-06-24T19:57:00.000-05:00

Now. Where was I?

Oh yeah. In New Haven.

Dana informed me that I was right on smart to go to that thrift store and that she, in fact, frequents it. Had she not been on vacation I might have missed out on my goodies--she could have nabbed them first. Imagine.

So, anyway. After a late lunch I managed myself back to the hotel to get changed and primped enough to meet the Rummel-Hudsons.

Rob met me in the lobby when he got off work. He was very much as I imagined him to be, maybe a little a taller. There was no hint of a Texan accent on that boy. I was only the slightest bit disappointed, but encouraged him to work on sounding like a true New Englander. We agreed that we are more proud to be Texans when we aren't IN Texas. He was Rob moving from picture, to picture in my head, to live in person.

I made Rob drive me immediately to Long Island Sound where this picture was taken. He took pictures of me there, too, but to quote him I look much like a "cone head" so you don't get to see them. Not here anyway. We got to see the replica of the Amistad. It was much much smaller than I ever would have guessed. Which made it all the more horrible to think of how many poor souls made their way to the "new" world in its hold. There was quite a wind out there, almost brisk. It was quite a treat to look out and see forever on water instead of on land.

We drove around for a little while after that. I saw the Eli Whitney museum, the inspiration for the Addam's Family house, the Yale Athletics Cathedral and assorted other things. We drove around some on Tuesday, too, and I'm having a difficult time--only a week later--trying to remember what I saw which day. Eventually, we arrived at chez Chubbin.

We sat and talked for awhile. Julie is even more beautiful in person and is funny as all hell. Schuyler is...fucking amazing. I'll likely go to hell for using a curseword to describe a baby, but you guys have no idea. She's got some serious charm. I am still feeling the repercussions of what she did to my biological clock those two days. She's got an immense amount of personality. And she liked me! She sat on my lap for a little bit and smiled at me. {I found out today a very good friend of mine is now in the family way. I get to live vicariously!}

Their neighbor stopped by for a bit. Later Rob told me he invited him in for my sake--eye candy. No shit, you guys this boy was hot. He was physically attractive, but the winning thing about him was how genuine he was. He looked me right in the eyes when he talked to me, he asked all sorts of questions and smiled and laughed and was just...very endearing. I wish we grew more of them like that in these parts.

From there we walked to an Indian restuarant that looked like it should be in American Grafitti. Chromed-out with neon everywhere and Christmas lights. I had never had Indian food before, and I liked it. I even had the best gingerale of my life. Good food, good gingerale, good company. What more could a girl on vacation ask for? A good story! That's right! Go bug Rob and tell him to tell the story about the Bee Drinker...because I saw him that night while we ate...and again several times the next day. It's a charming little story. {And this picture has nothing to do with the restaurant, I just realized I hadn't put in yet...so here's good spot.}

I kept a travel journal while I was away, but had little time up to that point to write in it. I spent an hour or so writing before my friend Allen called, right at the stroke of midnight to sing me Happy Birthday in his best New York dialect. Actor friends are a marvellous thing.

The next morning I woke up to room service. I ate poached eggs with toast and drank coffee and orange juice while watching Regis and Kelly and wondered if I felt 30 yet.

I showered and dressed and wandered the streets of New Haven again. I stumbled upon the British Art Museum where I was only somewhat impressed with the collection and somewhat offended by the special collection. I was then attacked by the lady at the information desk on my way out for not having stayed longer.

I kept wandering. I found the Yale Repretory Theatre. I wandered past the Yale Cabaret Theatre. I strolled under gates and through walkways and felt just enough like an imposter to have fun. The camera likely gave me away, though.

I got lost.

I went straight where I should have made a left and ended up near Rob's house at a Dunkin' Donuts. I did go into a cool little shop that had "bench" or something in the name of it. I am going to have to persuade Rob to go fetch me the "Jenna Bush stole my ID" bumper sticker I meant to by and didn't.

By the time I got back to the hotel I was starving. I went to The Playwright. Of course. A little bar, restaurant thing across the street. There were quotes from some of my favorite plays on the walls. The waitresses were Irish. I ate a big bowl of lobster bisque, drank some hard cider and devoured a strawberry creme brulee. I read more and daydreamed a bit.

Then it was a walk back to where I had originally lost myself and went to the Yale Art Gallery. I enjoyed that so much more. I stood face to face with Van Gogh's "Night Cafe" for like a half hour. It was so different in person. I loved it so much more. All the texture, the vivid colors, knowing that his nibs had stood there with paint brush in hand and made all that happen. It was one of the best moments of my birthday. I also saw some Degas, Matisse, Cezanne, a Picasso, a Khalo, some Henri, it was near-orgasmic. My only sad thought at all was that my brother, the artist in the family, couldn't be there to see it with me.

I ran out of time and had to sprint back to the hotel to ready myself for another night with the family.

They took me out for my birthday to a restaurant called the Chowder Pot. I had such a good time. Schuyler drew and ate bread. We adults chattered away. Our waitress stayed away. It was all good fun.

I totally understand why Rob doesn't talk much about Julie in his journal. I respect her choice in that completely. But the world is missing out. She's incredibly cool. Funny, like I said, and smart and witty and I loved watching her with Schuyler. Rob and I got to assist in a rendition of "Old MacDonald Had A Farm." He said chicken. I said pig. I'm not sure how meaningful that is--but it was jolly good time.

Such a good time that I didn't want it to end.

I never want those kinds of things to end. And I never seem to get the kind of good-byes I want either.

With Tracing it was a quick hug and a wave in Grand Central. With Kymm it was a "nice to meet you..." in the subway.

With the Rum-Huds it was a smile to Schuyler and hugs from the adults.

But it never seems like enough.

Great Escapes always end too soon.

2002-06-23T22:01:00.000-05:00

Grand Central Station is a busy place.

I learned the hard way that if you want to stop and collect yourself you need to do so against a wall or else be run over by men and women in navy suits carrying large brief cases.

It was easier to navigate than I had guessed, though. I got my ticket and found the train to New Haven easily. I even had time to go downstairs and get a bite of breakfast from Junior's. "Next!" reverberated throughout the building. Those kids who work the restuarants there are loud. Good projection.

We all know that Jackie's great dream in life is to go to Yale. The Yale School of Drama to be exact--where the first MFA in Playwrighting was established. I had to go see it with my own eyes. Experience it.

I had also called up Rob to see if he might want to show me a few of the sights.

I got into New Haven around 10a.m. I don't think I left the train station until nearly 11a.m. I was so used to having my hand held throughout NYC that even New Haven was dicombobulating me on my own. Do I take a cab? A bus? Where's the bus schedule? Could I walk? How far is it to the hotel?

I hadn't planned that very well.

I ended up taking a cab to the hotel where I was lucky enough to be able to check in early. I was still exhausted from the day before.

I took a long shower and a longer bath. I crawled naked into king size bed.

You remember my fear about sleeping naked, right? I've always been terrified to sleep naked because I'm convinced that the house will catch on fire and I will be forced to run outside naked.

I had been asleep maybe twenty minutes when the fire alarm went off.

"Shit," I thought and started to pull my in-the-buff self out of bed. About that time an announcement came on that it was a false alarm and not to be worried. I got back into bed--just in time for the firetrucks to come blaring down the street.

I went ahead and got up. And dressed.

I wandered around New Haven. I went to a mall that was adjacent to the hotel. BIG waste of time. I don't think there were four stores still open and the ones that were had big "going out of business" sales going on. It was okay, though. I had not come out East to shop in a mall.

No. I came to shop at thrift stores. Not really, but I did anyway. I spent a great deal of time in this Salvation Army. I got a pair of Steve Madden shoes for $1.99. Worn by some really smart Yalie, no doubt. Rich, smart Yalie. I got a lovely silk scarf for a buck and a pull over for just under. I scored. I went back the next day with intentions of stocking up on Yale t-shirts. I didn't see anything that floated my boat, though, and I figure if I am going to advertise for the school on my bossom, they should at least let me go to school there. Ya know? A fair trade. I'll write them a letter and see what they think.

I ate lunch at a little vegetarian cafe called Claire's. I had a pizzette or some such thing and read. Marge Piercy's memoirs are out just in case you cared. It's called Sleeping With Cats and is wonderful. It reminds me of the e-mails she used to send me...very casual, but still very poetic.

I've run out of steam folks. Check back tomorrow night for the continuing saga of Jackie's Great Escape Vacation.

2002-06-22T23:30:00.000-05:00

I got into NYC early on Saturday night. About an hour early. When I got to the phone to call and let Tracing know, she was just about to get in a cab and be on her way.

I knew it was her the second I saw her. Then the second second I began to doubt and by the fifth second I was hesitantly calling out her name. She looked up and started to run towards me with her arms stretched out. It was like a really cool commercial.

It's surreal. In less than a week I met five people I had never met in the flesh before, but who I already "knew."

It was like watching photographs come to life.

They were everything I expected. And more.

Tracing and I went to dinner and had apple martinis and caught up on all our e-mails and chats. We took time to straighten out the real names from the code names of our journals. After six years we got to trade in rapid fire e-mail for rapid fire conversation.

We walked around Brooklyn and sat on some benches at her alma mater. We talked and talked, but weren't at all afraid of the quiet that over took us from time to time. Silence was comfortable with her.

The next morning we hopped on a bus, and then I had my first subway ride. It was early on a Sunday morning and I kept wondering if everyone in NYC was on vacation. It was quiet and empty.

Suddenly, though, we popped up from underground and we were on 79th or some such street and NYC loomed around me in every direction. Overwhelming doesn't begin to describe it. We got bagels and cream cheese and sat on a bench and ate. Then hit the subway back down to Broadway to go to mass at St. Malachy's with Kymm.

We wait for a bit and then headed into the chapel. If Kymm had been on time I might have thought something was wrong with my journal-made impression of her. Mass had just gotten underway when we saw her walk in.

Mass was lovely. Tracing asked me how it was different from my church. "Far less Mexican." There is definitely an Hispanic feel to the churches in Texas that was missing from St. Malachy's. Obviously.

From mass we went back underground and popped up in Chinatown.

That's where all the people were!

It was like everything I've ever seen in the movies. Fish markets, reds and yellows. The works.

I wanted to take pictures, but I was terrified to stop and be run over. I had that feeling almost continually while in NYC. My lack of pictures from there should prove that.

We got dim sum at the Golden Unicorn for lunch. After almost a two hour wait, filled with an obnoxious girl in funky glasses and another girl with rhinestone sandals that Kymm desired, we went up to the third floor for our meal. I had never had dim sum or real Chinese food for that matter. It was quite different from what I am accustom to. The textures startled me most. I don't have words for them they were so foreign to me. I loved the rice in the big steamy leaves. Mango pudding is out of this world, though hardly pudding in an American sense. And there were these little tarts. Mmmm. Creme brulee without the brulee. Delicious.

Kymm left us somewhere on the subway. Or maybe we left her. I don't remember, just that we headed in different directions at some point.

We popped up in SoHo where I was desperate for hand made paper that I could hardly afford and a look into the H&M shop my guy friends had told me so much about. Tracing scored some lovely paper and a cute pink short sleaved cardigan. I got some nag champa incense on the street. Then we walked off a block or so and she treated me to gelato (oh my that was a treat!) and we sat on some benches and just...were. We chatted a little, I listened to dramatic conversations going on between people and their cell phones. We watched a man garden on his fire escape. We talked rent (not RENT). We planned for the next few hours.

Back to Broadway. We at at Vynl's where Tracing stared into the sudden rainstorm outside and I kept being distracted by the enormous Elvis head just past her shoulder. It was some good food and a needed sit-down break. By the time we were ready to head to Studio 54, the rain had stopped.

Cabaret was wonderful! It was my first Broadway play, and I couldn't have asked for more. It was raunchy and profound and a great deal of fun. I convinced Tracing to go to the stage door with me afterward. I got lots of autographs but my good buddy here, John Stamos, was the only one who let us take pictures.

I only fell once that day and it was in the subway on our way home. I think it was from pure exhaustion. I don't know that I ever walked so much in my life. I had blisters on the bottom of my feet. I slept soundly that night, and in the morning Tracing rode with me to Grand Central Station where part 2 of the Great Escape began.

2002-06-21T12:49:00.000-05:00

I get very impatient when people get back from trips and don't immediately post an enormous detailing of their vacation.

Whether they notify or not I check back on the hour hoping something new is there.

And here I've been back for two days and no word from me.

I am exhausted to my bones.

I'm not even going to attempt to write much about the trip in the twenty minutes of lunch I have left. You'll get it and a lot of pictures soon. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. Maybe Sunday.

I will tell you I am a changed person, though.

I feel a pull now...like the way a needle in a compass is pulled.

I'm not lured to the city. It's not the rush of people on the streets, the tall buildings or even Broadway that is tugging at my gut.

It's old whiskered man who stopped and talked to me in the Salvation Army in New Haven. It's the cats wandering around the art school in Brooklyn. It's seeing the Yale Rep. for the first time, and the brownstones that lined Tracing's neighborhood.

It's remarkably different from Texas. But not in the same way Alaska was different.

I miss Alaska, but I didn't and don't feel any drive to go back.

It's likely I won't be accepted into Yale.
I don't even know what colleges exist in Brooklyn.

But I'm contemplating this pull to the North and to the East and am wondering if there is anywhere else that would have the same attraction.

2002-06-13T21:13:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Drama Prom. That's what we called it, when really it was the Spring APO Banquet. Paul and I headed it up (he being the chairman, even) and don't we look spiffy after all the hard work we put in?

I made that dress myself. And the wrap.

I made this wrap, too. The young man with me basically had his head up my skirt. I had some fabric left over, and he had been by while I was sewing and asked if I'd make him a headwrap. I didn't know he was going to wear it that night. Looks nice, though, doesn't it?

This is my date. The one I've had a bit of a crush on for a year now. He's going into the seminary in August. Give him a few years, and he'll be a Jesuit Priest.

He's smart, he's kind and he's funny as hell.

---

This is the last you'll hear from me until I get back from New York.

I'll be there in 48 hours.

I bought four rolls of film tonight. I hope that's enough.

Now. I should start thinking about packing.

2002-06-11T21:56:00.000-05:00

I'm so tired.

I went and saw Paul at camp last night. He's a counselor for the elite's children in a small lake-town in Texas. Three hours from here.

I drove six hours to see my best friend for four hours. I am very happy to say it was worth every second.

We met in the Wal-Mart parking lot. He knew I'd be able to find the Wal-Mart without too much direction (and what that says about me...) He was a little late and I had been a little early. After leaning against the "Ped X-ing" sign for almost thirty minutes I saw him pull into the parking lot. As he pulled up next to me he gave this look, this face that makes me squirm with delight. We spent the next four hours laughing and eating.

I left there at midnight and got home around 3am. I counted nearly 30 deer...so ten an hour. Luckily, I didn't hit any of them.

Three more days until I leave.

I am practically counting the seconds. I am past excited. I am overjoyed.

My itenerary is still a little in the air. I don't mind that, though. I think I'm going to have at least one day (my birthday) that stays in the "play it by ear" mode.

---

If you signed up for the notify list and didn't get a notify for this entry don't be alarmed. I've been checking my e-mail on three different computers. I need to get my poop in a group and get a tropica list or something or another.

2002-06-09T00:32:00.000-05:00

This is the most recent picture of me I have. Well, that I have scanned in. It's from a party I went to on April 19.

I might have more tomorrow or Monday from graduation and from our theatre banquet.

---

My mom is stressing me out today. I've come home for the weekend.

My dad had surgery about a month ago (have I mentioned this?) and is still recuperating. So, I come down on the weekends and do as much cooking and cleaning as I can.

My dad quit smoking the day before his surgery. The surgery was a tumor removal.

He asked my mom to quit with him.

She quit 8 days ago, and it's as if we have gone back in time fifteen years. I'm having a hard time handling it. Things were pretty bad around these parts 15 years ago.

I know quitting smoking has got to be an incredibly difficult thing to do. It's kicking a drug.

But...if it means she's like this the rest of her life. Do you want a sad mother for another twenty years or a happy one for ten?

Her mom died of emphysema at 62. Her dad of congestive heart failure at 67. My dad just had a cancerous tumor removed.

Smoking did all of that.

I'm really frustrated. I wish I could do something to make it easier for her, but the more I try to talk about it with her the more defensive she gets.

All of this is part of why I need to get away so damned bad.

I go around half choked up most of the time. So thankful for all the things I've got in my life, feeling so blessed. The other half? I'm stressed and frustrated.

One more week.

2002-06-05T21:40:00.000-05:00

I've had a day.

I've been really sleepy and borderline migraine for most of it.

I took a nap hoping it would help.

I'm still tired and still in a bit of pain, but I do feel better.

---

I am learning more about myself at 30 than I ever did at 20.

I don't like all of it either.

Most of it I do.
Some of it I love.
A few things I adore.

Some still needs a lot of work.

I had a dream last night that I was driving with Rosana's mom through town.
Rosana's mom can't drive. Furthermore, she SHOULDN'T drive. She has an equilibrium problem from a childhood accident.

But nevertheless she's driving me in a van through town.
And we're driving through a really bad part of town where it looks like there has been fires and shootings....war, I guess, though I didn't think of it like that during the dream.

I asked her why we were driving through there, and she said:

We have to get through the ugly parts before we can arrive at the beautiful ones.

I am such a good therapist to myself when I am unconscious.

---

I had a bit of a tiff with a friend last week.

That was part of my drive to get out of town.

And the whole time I was so mad at her for making me feel insignificant. And I found myself stomping around my little house talking to myself.

"How dare she decide how important I am? How dare anyone decide for me how important I am?"

Bells and whistles went off folks. There were fireworks.

So. Sometimes I don't have to be unconscious.

---

If you've ever been on one of my notify lists you should know that you aren't anymore.

It's been lost and that is probably just as well.

So. If you'd like to join again or join anew send me an e-mail : jackie@angelo.edu.

2002-06-04T21:42:00.000-05:00

I'm having a really good day.

Last night I made beef stew for a lunch date with my nun.

I threw a bunch of stuff in the slow cooker and smelled it simmer all night long. This moring I had some wicked mean stew.

I cook better when I'm cooking for someone I love.

I have a hard time taking compliments for the way I cook, though.

I know I can put things together in such a way that makes them taste very good. Better than most people. But I have a hard time jumping that "I made this food" hurdle. Because I didn't.

I didn't make the cow or the onion that went into the stew.

I took substances and mixed them up. They already tasted the way they taste all on their own. I just messed with it so it would taste even better.

I don't know if I'm making any sense.

Just know that if I love you I have the capacity to feed you in ways you've never been fed before. But remember that I didn't make the cow.

---

Once I've settled into a career as a professor/playwright, I'm going to culinary school.

---

In case you forgot, I'm going to NYC.

2002-06-03T14:53:00.000-05:00

Earlier I was tired and giddy.

Now, I'm exhausted and ass-dragging.

Couldn't get to sleep until after 2am.

Much on my mind.

This trip is a once in a life time sort of ordeal for me. I'm so excited, I can think of nothing else.

All the little possibilities keep playing through my mind.

I want to do this, that, and the other. I want to see her and visit with him and go to the top of that.

I'll only have four days.
I've got to cram them full.

2002-06-02T09:27:00.000-05:00

See that girl up there?

She's going to New York City.

In two weeks.

Alone.

She's going to turn 30 in "the city."

She wants you to know she couldn't be happier about this and will explain some of the details later.

2002-05-30T09:58:00.000-05:00

That's me a few months ago.

---

I've got to get the hell out of here. And soon.

Jackie needs some vacation time. I don't care if it's two days or a week. I need to get away and relax and attempt to destress.

I'm starting to take my issues out on other people, and that's not like me.

I'm not sure where I want to go. Where I could go.

Worse comes to worse I'll take a little solo camping trip. Though, that hardly sounds like an ideal plan.

---

I'm hungry.

2002-05-29T12:16:00.000-05:00

I'm in a jolly good mood today.

I went walking last night. No rain, but it was still nice. I broke quite the sweat hauling my cookies around the neighborhood.

I live in a beautiful area. It's sort of the "historic" district. Lots of trees and gardens and good smells. Not much street light, though, so I should remember to carry a flashlight with me for safety sake. I don't want to be mugged or hit by a car, don't you know.

My legs are a little sore today in that "feels so good" sore kind of way.

My boss just walked through with this mammoth straw hat on his head. I don't know about librarians. They are some wicked weird people. I do like them, though.

I've been brave lately. I like it when I'm brave.

2002-05-28T12:29:00.000-05:00

I just got my first passport.

After months of searching for and trying to re-order my birth certificate, I finally was able to lay down the money and get the thing in process.

A passport for Canada. Go figure.

It's a conference in Toronto. A HUGE conference with attendees from all over the world--thus the required passport.

Now that I'll have one, though, maybe I'll be able to take advantage of it and go somewhere truly foreign some day.

---

It's a rainy day.

My very favorite kind. Misty and drizzly and cool. It's rare for West Texas is May, no doubt. I'll be going for a nice long walk tonight whether it's sprinkling or pouring. I don't melt.

Though, to be honest, I wish certain parts of me did.

2002-05-27T12:38:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile, but I need to do this again.

I need to, as Tracing says, hear myself speak.

I don't know that I'll tell anyone or everyone or anything. I might just speak into a void and pretend everyone and no one is listening.

Except for you. I might tell you.

I need a vacation. Badly.

I finally graduated, but then spent the next two weeks worrying about and then taking care of my father. He was diagnosed with cancer a month or two ago and had it removed on the 16th. The pathology reports aren't clear. They're being sent to MD Anderson in Houston for further study. We should know tomorrow. Maybe. He quit smoking, though. I'm tremendously proud of him for that. My mom is working on it. She is getting progressively worse.

My parents are in their mid 50's and are in shady health. We're all too young for this.

My brain, my heart and my body are beat.

Maybe just being back at work and taking care of only me and the cats will be vacation enough for awhile.

I'm going to Canada in July and Mexico in August. If I can just get through June.

I turn 30 in June. Brand new decade, brand new chapter. I go into it with a college degree. Thank God.

2002-01-29T19:15:00.000-06:00

From 1/25/02

"I think I need to write."

I said it out loud to myself while eating a Hot Pocket and drinking gingerale.

Now, I'm eating Ben and Jerry's half baked, and doing just that--writing.

I don't know at all what I'm going to say.

I sprained my ankle today. It's not horrible, but it hurts a good bit. I'm not on crutches but I've got to keep my foot wrapped for a week.

Having an ace bandage stick out above your socks is so asthetic. And imagining it over a pair of panty hose? Sexy.

I really shouldn't bitch, though, because the last time I sprained an ankle (the left, today it's the right) I was on crutches for six weeks.

I can live with a wrapped foot just fine.

---

How is the theatre in my life?

Well, it's minimal at the moment.

I chose not to work on the opera because I wanted to do the first straight play. Schedule conflicts arose, though, with the straightplay and my staged reading in Fort Worth, so no straight play for me.

I was lucky to be able to get the House Management job for the opera. Paul has the lead in the opera on alternating nights so I'll get to see all of his performances for free.

And we're having rehearsals for the reading once or twice a week until we leave.

So, it's minimal but not non-existent.

And I'm writing a new play. A musical. I know absolutely nothing about music, but what the hell. I'm going to give it my best shot. I know people who can compose.

I still have friends I haven't used yet.

I've gotten about two pages into the script (or should I call it the book since we're talking musical here?) and working on developing characters.

I've got characters and I've got theme but I've got no plot. Plot needs to hurry it's ass up.

It's Friday night and I might go to see a movie with a friend in a few hours, and I just might sit home and write all night. It's sort of up to the friend at this point. I'm game for anything that doesn't involve too much ankle use.

---

My best friend, Paul, is hot.

We're not talking--"Oh he's a really cute boy" good looking. He's fucking hot.

I don't know exactly what it is. It's definitely his looks. He's got these sexy brown eyes, and this wild cool hair, and a face that just works it. But the key to his hotness is all about how he handles himself.

He's a might fine dresser. Very Gap-modelese. He's tall and slender, but very broad.

He's got boyish qualities but you can really see the man starting to grow up out of the little kid.

I could be biased. I could think he's so hot because I absolutely love and adore him.

I don't doubt I'm subjective.

But I like looking at him.

Mind you, I don't want to date him. For about 500 reasons I don't want to date him.

But I like looking at him.

And now I'm getting all self-conscious and feel the need to let you know that he's more than a fox.

Paul is so insightful and understanding. He's charismatic. He's funny as all hell. He refuses to think he's intellectual which I've discovered means he is.

He's confident, but humble.

He's a damn fine person.

But that, too, is why he's so hot.

---

I graduate in four and a half months.

It makes me sad and glad and frightened.

From what I understand, that is how all graduating seniors feel.

2002-01-03T13:37:00.000-06:00

Healing can be a very slow process.

I spent the entire afternoon, evening and night with my best friend.

I told him just about everything.

I got the infection out and now I can start healing the wound that's left.

Counselling today. That will help.

I'm going to be alright.

2002-01-02T11:57:00.000-06:00

This is where I'm supposed to say "Happy New Year!" right?

You can't make me.

I had the time of my life on New Year's Eve.
I went to a party looking quite hot, got good and drunk and socialized and flirted like a wild woman.

An hour after the new year rang in things spiraled downward and have just about levelled off now, I think.

You know that song, "I Had a Bad Day Again."
That song is me.

Not just the last 36 hours or so, though those particularly.
It's been the last four or five months.

Not every day is a bad day. Not every hour of every bad day is a bad hour.

I'm not Job. I'm not near Sylvia Plath.

I'm just having a really difficult time with myself.

And I'm having a hard time getting some of my friends to listen.
I'm having a hard time asking one of my friends to listen to some things I desperately need to say.

I need to talk to get the infection out.
I have to tell somebody about my life and the things that have hurt me, because I'm being put against those things every day. The first few hours of the new year I was face to face with them.

But you can't make people listen.
You can only ask.
And they can only say yes or no.

But if they say yes you can't guarnatee they mean yes or that they'll follow through.

I'm in counselling. I can tell my therapist.

I want to tell my best friend.

So, I'm feeling good and sorry for myself today.

I think I deserve to.

2001-12-27T11:25:00.000-06:00

Tuesday was my first real Christmas.

I grew up spending Christmas day at my grandparents' house. We'd open presents and eat lots of food and maybe even sing "Jingle Bells." But just a few days earlier, if not the night before, we were lighting the menorah, singing the dreidle song and eating latkes.

I grew up Jewish with Methodist grandparents. So, in most ways, I got the best of both worlds.

I got Hannukah and Christmas (without Jesus.) I got Easter with the colored eggs and pretty dress, but not the long hours at church.

Religously, I was spoiled rotten. I got all the Christian holidays without any of the Christian connotations. I got all the Jewish holidays with very little connotation. We had a rabbi that would come in once a month September through May. So, I went to synogauge at most 9 times a year.

Is it any wonder that my idea of God has been a little skewed.

And what time was spent at temple were spent talking about how we should love God and very little about how God loves us.

So it was my first real Christmas.

I went to midnight mass with Rosana and then drove back home late Christmas day and had a little Christmas celebration with Paul. Christmas was in my heart for the first time this year. It was an altogether different experience.

Thank God.

---

Those of you who've been reading me for any length of time will know that religion isn't the main focus around here. Those of you reading for the first time should take their word on that. It's a main focus in my life as I'm converting from Judaism to Catholocism...but I'm a strong believer in the privacy of religious thought.

Also on that note. There will be no more notify list. I don't know how often I'll be updating, but if you check back with frequency I'm sure you'll get a feel for how often something new appears.